So, it is twenty minutes before Day 19 hits and I am currently sitting in my neo's dorm typing this post. I am emotionally unstable, and it is once again my fault for why I am like this. I decided to text Corbin because I saw him post something on Facebook that made me want to do a quality check. Well, that "quality check" didn't end up quite well. I just asked him was he okay and whatnot and he said that he was, and he asked me how I was. So instead of giving the generic "Oh I'm fine you know just tired of school," I gave him the breakdown of emotionally I am unstable physically I'm fine mentally barely making it. So, he proceeds to say, "What's going on like that?" ... I stopped and paused and realized that the person that I cared for, loved deeply, defended regardless of if he was right or wrong, failed to realize or care that he is the reason why I am going through this. That he is the reason why I am stuck on medication because I couldn't talk about this a year ago with somebody who understood and cared to listen. The fact that I was in a depression for 5 months and when I thought that I was finally over it, it came back like it never left.
I never was the type of person to open up to others but now after this, I don't even want to open up to anyone. It's affecting my current relationships with everyone else because I don't know how to talk about it. Whenever I get the urge to talk about it, it never goes through because something always comes up to where my story isn't being told. I am just stuck with my thoughts and I can't cope with them anymore. It took NINETEEN DAYS for me finally stop hiding my emotions and cry. I can't be strong anymore because I am the weak. Last year I coped with this with alcohol and weed. This year, I am trying to not go to that. I am trying to keep working out, to blog about it, to talk to somebody about it, but it's hard as the fuck!
I finally responded back to him and told him what was going on. His response made things 10 times worst. He doesn't see his part that he played but instead he tells me to not crumble because I am stronger than that and to keep working out and blogging because those are positive outlets. It’s a year later and I still haven’t received the closure that I needed. Nobody knows what I go through and nobody knows the pain that I am feeling. I hide behind my smile because if I smile then I won't get asked "What's wrong" or "You okay", etc. When the real answer is NO! No, I am not okay. If I was to tell you what I was dealing with would you try to understand, or would you just walk away like the rest?
