As most of you all know, September 22, 2017, I had a miscarriage. It was the worst year of my life. Dealing with that I was left lost, confused, and hurt. Dealing with that brought a lot of unwanted emotions, mental illnesses, stress, and addictions. Looking back I didn't even think that I would've made it this far. Last year I was in a darker hole than I was in 2017 and to see myself a year later knowing what I have been through and seen how I overcame it. I am proud of myself. Granted I struggled a whole lot to get to this part but I made it.
So normally, I spend the twenty-second inside crying and not talking to people, but this year I did something completely different. I went out and was social. Now granted I shouldn't have drunk because I was just not trying to feel emotions but hey live and learn. I ended up going to a baby shower with friends and then I went to dinner and we went out. While being out all day, I didn't even realize that my thoughts weren't on my miscarriage. I was just so focused on living. Sunday made me realize that after processing this for two years that life is still better here on Earth.
Yesterday, I was feeling slightly off due to the fact, that it all hit me at once. I realized that I didn't process it like I normally do. I didn't talk about it. I wasn't in a dark space so it wasn't on my mind. BUT yesterday boy, it was there it wasn't front and centered but it was there. I still didn't talk about it because I feel like why keep talking about it? It doesn't define who I am but only made me stronger to this day. I learned that I have to look at the hardships that I encounter and understand the lesson that was there for me to learn. It may have been a rough time for me for over a year but looking back it just took me longer to understand what was meant for me to understand. When I got home yesterday, I found a gift in my living room and was like what is this? So after work, I came home and opened it. Once I did, I started crying.
*okay backstory, I started a support group for myself in 2018 with my closest friends and whenever I felt as if I was going downhill I would text them and let them know and they would help me and talk me through it. The best decision that I made in 2018.*
So I opened the card first because I was like who did this. Once I read it and saw it was from my support group I started crying even more because I never have things like this done for me and it was a shocker. To know that my niggas really love me and love to see me smile, was and will always be the best thing that I have realized. I really surrounded myself with a great group of people and granted that we all live miles and states away they really came together and did this. I love them more than I could ever explain to them.
So if I had to sum all this up, I would say that I am finally going to be okay with this situation. I just hope that my story helps another person out there because you may feel alone but I promise there is someone who is/has been through what you are going through.
