A lot of people have noticed that I have been very distance after August. The reason being is because, on September 1, I found out that I was pregnant. I called my best friend and I couldn't believe it. I wasn't going to tell my boyfriend due to the fact that he already had enough on his plate getting ready to leave for China and whatnot. But Chelsea made me because she knew it was only right. So I scheduled my appointment and it was scheduled for September 5. While at work I'm texting my boyfriend that we need to talk in person and he wasn't having it. So I had to tell him through text. Once the text was sent, it was okay but after a few hours, everything got worst. He didn't want the child and I DO NOT believe in abortions. I told him that if I was getting an abortion that we were breaking up, I am blocking his whole frat, and he was paying for it. He told me that he was going to have to settle then because he didn't want someone to have that much hate towards him and his frat.
We ended up arguing for 5 days straight up until three hours before my first appointment. I was five weeks pregnant. Once, I was told that I knew that I had to step-up and become the best parent that I knew I could be. After my appointment, my boyfriend was very excited, but it still didn't get change anything about how I felt about everything. My boyfriend made me not talk to anyone about this so I couldn't talk to my mom. I was alone during this whole process. Three appointments later I went to the doctor by myself and he told me that I had a miscarriage. My body went numb I didn't believe it. I scheduled another one the following week and he said the same thing but this time my boyfriend was there with me. I shut down completely and acted as if it still wasn't true. We scheduled my dilation and curettage for Sept. 22. two days later from my appointment. At this point in time I am freaking out and still unable to talk to my mom I cried more than I did the whole month. Once the 22nd came I cried even more and asked for my boyfriend to come in the room with me because I couldn't do it. I ended up crying myself to sleep before the procedure. After the procedure, my boyfriend was in the room waiting for me and making sure that I was okay. He was the sweetest at this time....
Two weeks later I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I told my boyfriend and my best friend and they both said that that shit wasn't real and that the doctors don't know what they talking about. So I didn't take my meds listening to them. Afterwhile, I started to take them and I didn't like them so I stopped taking them. Battling with this has been a struggle because I haven't had a lot of support the last four months.
So, one day I called my mom about a tv show and she hit me with "your dad just came over with a hospital bill on Sept 22. Do you have anything to say about that?", and I said oh yeah I had a miscarriage and my mom was like oh okay and change the subject. So the next day she called me and was like how are you haven't asked you anything about the miscarriage and stuff like that and she was like you need to tell your dad about it too. SO I told him three days after I told my mom. Neither of them knows that I am struggling with anxiety and depression.
Despite the known factors that I am only 21, a college student, "not ready" for a baby, my feelings have been behind me ever since the month of the September has came I haven't been myself nor been around a lot of people. I have grown closer to my best friends again and just been staying to myself. I haven't truly grasped the whole meaning of everything and I haven't fully coped with everything just yet either. I still cry every week pretty much every other day and it gets worst around the 22nd of every month. But knowing that I am able to talk about it more it shows me that I am growing from this and my future is going to be great with whoever is going to be here on side of me!
