Hey Sol Warriors!! The month of April is to bring awareness about sexual assault. As a survivor of a sexual assault, I believe it is very important to bring awareness to this because it can happen to anyone, regardless of sex, age, and race.
Before we dig deep, if you have been following me since I started you know that my blog has been teal since I started. So, as I was doing research on what April's awareness was when I came across sexual assault awareness month and I wanted to know their ribbon color their logo, everything. I found out that their ribbon color is teal and when I read that I cried. I didn't know what it was but the fact that it was my blog color and the fact that my assault happened last year it all made sense.
Sexual assault is defined as an illegal sexual contact that usually involves force upon a person without consent or is inflicted upon a person who is incapable of giving consent (as because of age or physical or mental incapacity) or who places the assailant (such as a doctor) in a position of trust or authority, according to Merriam Webster.
In most cases when a person gets sexually assaulted, they know their attacker. Their attacker is normally a significant other, a family member, friend, et cetera. There was some type of trust between them and that person, whether it was the fact that they showed different ways in public and when they were alone, they didn’t act the same. Nobody expects this to happen to them.
We tend to say “oh that would never happen to me” but when it does, we are left confused and broken. Once we experience something that traumatic, we tend to change our views in a lot of different ways. We start acting different and we can’t talk about it because we are too scared. We start to move differently and do go to certain places because it reminds us of that situation.
In some cases, we want to confine in the people we trust but are scared because what if they think we brought this upon ourselves? Or what if they don’t believe me? Or what if they think I am a hoe and I just want this person to look like the bad guy? Or what if because of this person's reputation nobody will think they did it?
These are just some of the questions that went through my head. I have yet to fully understand that this wasn’t my fault. I didn’t bring this upon myself. I thought I was in good hands. I thought I could trust them. They didn’t act like this during the times that we hung out together. What made this time differently? Was it something that I did? Was it something that I said? That night replays in my head weekly. I stopped going to New Orleans just for this reason, and if I did go, I had to go with someone else. I couldn’t tell you when the last time I was afraid of the dark or if I was growing up but now, I always need a light on. I check my doors constantly to make sure that they are locked. I moved to get away but yet I’m still terrified when I go out.
I mentioned that you start to act and move differently once you experience something like this, speaking from my own experience, I ended up in a very dark place. My grades started slipping again, I couldn’t focus because I always felt like I was being watched, I almost didn’t graduate. This situation made my anxiety and my depression 10x worse than what it already was. Recently, I was just diagnosed with PTSD and at first when my psychiatrists told me that I was like I don’t have that. Not realizing that I had no clue about it but after I went through my life and sat down and thought about it all. This is why I have PTSD. I can go to Walmart and if anyone that is bigger than me approaches me for my number oh say less here you go, and I am speed walking away.
Here are some signs that you might/have experienced once your trauma happens that I found from the HelpQuide:
Emotional & psychological symptoms:
Shock, denial, or disbelief
Confusion, difficulty concentrating
Anger, irritability, mood swings
Anxiety and fear
Guilt, shame, self-blame
Withdrawing from others
Feeling sad or hopeless
Feeling disconnected or numb
Insomnia or nightmares
Being startled easily
Edginess and agitation
Aches and pains
Remember that you will not be able to wake up the next day and act as if nothing happened but you will be able to understand that over time the pain will go away and one day you won't be as scared. You will get your life back. You will overcome this. Nothing happens overnight, but if you take the correct steps to help you heal it will make your healing process easier.
So I was going to tell you all about my sexual assault but I am not ready to speak about it on my platform especially when I just started talking about it to my friends this year. But if you have any questions or want to know how I am dealt/dealing with mines please do not hesitate to ask me. I am here for you. Remember that you are not alone and that there are people who went through the same thing as you.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please do not go through this alone. You went through the initial trauma alone and there is no need for you to process this alone. There are counselors, psychiatrists, and more out there that are willing to help you, but you have to be ready to take the first step. Honestly, this is my first step and mines happened a year ago.
Call 1-800-656-4673 Available 24 hours every day
Here are some links for a counselor near you:
You can also contact me by direct message on Instagram and Twitter at KYYllinEm or you can text me at (225) 341-1672.
I am sending love and peace to you all!