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Day 24 out of 22

So it's Monday, two days after the twenty-second. The twenty-second came and hit me hella hard. I ended up doing things that I regret doing but I did it out of hurt and anger. I realized after the fact that I was wrong and there is still nothing that I can do because "I'm sorry" only goes so far.

I realized in these last twenty-four days that I haven't actually processed this at all this month. Yesterday was the first day that I actually realized that I did have a miscarriage last year. That after my miscarriage, I got dropped off at my apartment and was left alone after that. I even went to work the next day as if nothing happened.

I guess it is the fact that I tried to act like nothing happened again before the 22nd came about and I made it through up until the 22nd and now. I made sure that I was strong enough to be able to seem like everything was okay when in actuality I wasn't. I put my emotions on the back burner to please everyone else, trying to be strong for others when I couldn't even be strong for myself. Being that I am very independent I do not depend on others to be there for me. So, I tend to brush them off when I need them the most.

Today I realized that I can longer fake that I am okay when I broke down in my office. I also realized that my anti-depressants aren't able to help me with this either. I have brushed my feelings off so much that it's to the point where I cannot do it anymore. I do not know what else to do other than just be vulnerable and try to be there for myself and push everyone else out, so I won't hurt them.

Being unstable isn't fun nor easy to manage. It actually brings a great deal of unwanted anxiety and confusion into my life. Being able to stop that and deal with everyday life is hard enough. I am going to make it through and be able to learn from this and grow from it as a person.