Zombie Mode

As most know but not all I went through a miscarriage last year in September. I went into a bad depression and lost myself and then some. I came out of it in late March. Now five months later, I feel myself drifting back into that deep hole. I have told myself that I wasn’t going to allow myself to go that deep into one but instead I did the opposite. I stopped taking my medicine in October 2017 because they made me feel like a zombie and I rather just cry than feel nothing. Well, now I rather feel nothing than cry because in this past year a lot has changed. I gained my confidence back. I was able to lose weight this summer. I stuck to my goals and completed my goals. I overcame way too much to be sitting around crying all day. Granted crying is helpful in every possible but once I started crying at random at work then that’s when I knew that I needed more than just my counseling meetings.

Soooo Monday, I went back to my antidepressants. Honestly, it was the WORST thing I could have done for myself. My alarm went off at 6:05a to get up to go workout. I didn’t get up. I got up at 7:45a and just laid in the bed because my body was numb. I tried getting up and moving around it didn’t help. I tried eating something it made it extremely worst. I didn't start to feel like my regular self until 4 pm.

As the week went on it slowly started to get better with the meds. But I always felt sick or like I wanted to throw up. So Friday, was my first day without them and I do not think it made a huge difference because the only thing that I was doing differently was eating more like a lot more. When I am on the meds I only eat once a day because I only get extremely hungry around 2-4p. Other times I am being forced to eat something because I need to eat.

I do not highly recommend antidepressants because they do make you feel like a zombie but I can say that they do help in a way. I am able to cope more with my depression than just sit there and cry 24/7 and try to figure out how I am going to manage through the day. Instead I am able to fake happy while on the pills and be able to act like nothing's wrong and you know what they say fake it to until you make it. Kyy is extremely good at doing that!

So if you are going through a depression or anything. I am here to help and so are other people as well. If you aren’t comfortable with going to counseling then I recommend what my counselor told me, “Talk to your best friend and ask them if you can express how you feel about xyz and then they will be able to listen and help you as well” You never have to go through this alone. I went this alone last year and it was the WORST!!! So this year I am going to go through with people. I refuse to shut down and disappear. I do not want to be stuck in that black hole with no way of getting out. I want to be able to express how I am feeling and why I am “acting” out in that way. You should too...